Thanksgiving weekend....

First, Sweetie and I had a fight on Wednesday night. During the day he was being kind of weird, and I got the feeling he wanted to go out with his friends and not me that night. But he insisted he wanted me to come out. We got to the bar, and some of his friends showed up. Fine. I hung out with his mom and a friend of hers while he chilled out with the guys. A friend from work stopped by, so I talked to her for a bit. We were all having a good time watching the band and being social. About 11:45, I started to get tired, and I told Sweetie. He got an attitude with me, saying he wasn't ready to leave yet. Mind you, we'd been there since 7:30. I said okay, then we would stay a bit longer. I was drinking, so I'd planned to stay at his house, otherwise I would have just gone home myself.

Anyway, a few minutes later, he was like, "Fine, let's go." We got outside, and he said, "I feel like I'm fucking married." Well, that did it right there. I started crying and it just got really ugly. I reminded him that I was going to his Thanksgiving dinner, and not seeing MY family for him, and if he couldn't drag himself away from the bar long enough to run me home, I had a real problem with that. I was like, "Listen, if you don't want to be here, you need to tell me right fucking now, so I can go see my family tomorrow." I was so angry and hurt.

He also threw out some bullshit about me not trusting him, which made me really mad, too. He said he thought I wouldn't go home alone because I didn't want him at the bar with other girls there. WTF? That was totally out of left field. If anything, in this relationship, I have made conscious efforts TO trust, and he knows how hard that is for me. And, in the past, his girlfriends have been very distrustful, so I think he assumed I was, too. I said, "I've brought you to my parents' home....to my grandmother's home. If I didn't trust you, you wouldn't be given that privilege." I really let him have it. I've never gone off on him like that before.

We went to his house, and he eventually apologized for his asstastic comments. He said he loves me so much, is totally dedicated to me, he just gets frustrated about his friends. He feels like he's viewed differently because he's settled down. I was like, "you know what, buddy? That's your problem. And those are some shitty friends if they don't want to hang out with you because you have a girlfriend."

I got up at 6:30 and helped him get the turkey in the oven, but I was still hurt and angry from the fight. I cannot stand to argue. So all day Thanksgiving I am thinking I want to go home, I want to see my family because I am feeling so awful about this. But I go to Sweetie's anyway because I said I would. After dinner, I am getting ready to go home because I still feel bad. He is apparently waiting for this dude to come with some stuff, so I say I'm leaving. He then hints that maybe he will come home with me. So I wait. And we wait. I am getting so irritated waiting around for this fucking dealer that I can barely speak to him when we finally do go to my place. As usual, he gets totally fucked up and passes out.

Friday I shop during the day and Friday night we go to his brother's show and out to dinner. Fine...this is nice. We come home. Once again....gets fucked up and passes out. I can't get him to come to bed, so I just leave him in the living room.

So anyway, Saturday he is at home all day working on a job, and I am shopping/cleaning/etc. He comes over and we go to the holiday cocktail party. Well, it turns out I get a fever and get sick and we have to leave. By the time we get home I am moaning from body aches and am totally sick. He gets me set up on the sofa with juice and tylenol and proceeds to (yes, you guessed it) drink a ton of wine and pass out. I am so sick and only want to go to bed, but he is not moving. Finally I just leave him there and go to bed myself. Nothing like taking care of yourself and your passed out boyfriend when you are so sick.

Yesterday I was alone and sick all day while he went home and watched the game, etc. (This was my choice...I told him to go because I wasn't up to coming with him). He came back last night and it was the same thing. I seriously want to cry all the time because of it. I don't know what to do. Our relationship is so fucked up, I can't even begin to describe it. He doesn't want to have sex with me, he just wants to freaking drink and jerk off, I suppose. I don't understand. He clearly loves me, so I am at a total loss why this is the way things are. I am literally sick over this.

So that was my holiday. I hope yours was better.

Interesting evening

So, I went out last night to chill with a girlfriend, and at the last minute, I decided to invite OH along. I thought perhaps he could bring some testosterone for her and just chill with me a bit, since we don't get the chance to talk much at work.

What an interesting evening this turned out to be. Suffice to say that my hunches about OH were right on, and that he seemed very friendly. Now, I am a good girl and would never cheat on Sweetie, but it is flattering to know that someone views you that way.

During the night I did text Sweetie to see if he wanted to come over for some late night cuddling, and he said he could not. That sucked a bit. I mean, if my man called specfically requesting some action, I think I would be jumping on that pronto. Sadly, Sweetie does not seem to see intimacy as a priority in our relationship. I'm really hoping something changes along those lines soon, becuase it's making me feel very badly about myself.

I don't understand

why some friends have to be so negative all the time. It's one of life's great mysteries, and it makes me sad. I have lost so many friends, and it looks like I have another that's heading that way.

Is being happy for me, loving, and supportive too much to ask? Apparently so.

Oh well, back to your regularly scheduled Friday.

Vodka and cranberry juice

This is what I am drinking since I learned I did not get the other job at my company. Crying wasn't working anymore, so I turned to alcohol. Relax. I'm not driving anywhere. I'm only hoping to get drunk enough to forget about the pile of laundry waiting in my bedroom and the poor feline to be operated on in the morning.

A special song

I should have posted this yesterday. It was a significant date, and this song really spoke to me.

Ghost
There's a letter on the desktop that i dug out of a drawer
the last truce we ever came to from our adolescent war
and i start to feel a fever from the warm air through the screen
you come regular like seasons shadowing my dreams
and the mississippi's mighty but it starts in Minnesota
at a place where you could walk across with five steps down
and i guess that's how you started like a pinprick to my heart
but at this point you rush right through me and i start to drown
and there's not enough room in this world for my pain
signals cross and love gets lost and time passed makes it plain
of all my demon spirits i need you the most
i'm in love with your ghost
dark and dangerous like a secret that gets whispered in a hush
when i wake the things i dreamt about you last night make me blush
when you kiss me like a lover then you sting me like a viper
i go follow to the river, play your memory like the piper
and i feel it like a sickness how this love is killing me
but i'd walk into the fingers of your fire willingly
and dance the edge of sanity, i've never been this close
in love with your ghost
unknowing captor you'll never know how much you pierce my spirit
but i can't touch you, can you hear it
a cry to be free or i'm forever under lock and key as you pass through me
now i see your face before me, i would launch a thousand ships
to bring your heart back to my island as the sand beneath me slips
as i burn up in your presence, and i know now how it feels
to be weakened like Achilles with you always at my heels
and my bitter pill to swallow is the silence that i keep
that poisons me, i can't swim free, the river is too deep
though i'm baptized by your touch i am no worse at most
in love with your ghost...

Updates all around

Work: I applied for another job here and am still waiting to hear about my interview. My boss is being strangely nice to me in the meantime. Whatever. My mind is occupied with other things.

School: I'm trying to find a 3rd place to apply. My GRE is next weekend, and I am freaking.

Sweetie: Sigh. Here's the part I am sad about. We went to a wedding this weekend, and he was completely crazy out of control. We had a long talk last night, and he knows what his problems are. I just don't think he's ready to address them. He's afraid he will change, and he won't like...and the people around him won't like....who he is sober.

This needs to be addressed before we can ever move forward, and I need to find a way to tell him this. I encouraged him as much as I could last night, but I don't think he really got what I was saying. He knows that in order for him to conquer this problem, he'd probably need to go to rehab. Lord, that makes me sad to think about. I want him to get better though. I don't think he understands that I would love him no matter how difficult this journey was for him. I love him as a person, and drinks and whatever else don't change that. I wish there was a way to make him know that, but I suppose it's something he will have to figure out for himself.