Blonde Suga's Loves and Laments

Long time no blog

2007-07-13T16:05:00.000-04:00

Strange. I never write here anymore. Maybe I should.

Baby, it's cold outside

2005-12-03T12:06:00.000-05:00

...and I am home with a migraine on this freezing Saturday afternoon. There go all my plans for car shopping, Christmas shopping, and whatever else. Instead, I am home in my cat PJs, trying to clean because I feel guilty and wishing I really didn't have a holiday party tonight.

I'm going to try to work a little today, despite the headache. I really need to get back to it, and since I have a block of time alone, this seems as good a time as any.

Wish me luck.

Secrets

2005-11-07T19:18:00.000-05:00

Secrets suck. Right now, I am keeping a secret from Sweetie.....a pretty big one. While we were on vacation last month, a relative of his tried to hook up with me in a pretty blatant way....namely coming right out and rubbing my inner thigh in a hot tub, trying to get me to touch him, etc. I'll spare you the rest of the details, but suffice to say I didn't reciprocate. Granted, we were all drinking, but that's no excuse.

At the time I was totally shocked and didn't know how to handle it. I was going to take the guy aside and ask him whether it had indeed been a total drunken mistake (which, given the family ties, I was willing to forgive and forget) or whether he hoped to spark some kind of illicit encounter (which would have resulted in a quick, "Don't even think about it." and a conversation with Sweetie)

Now, a month later, this secret is eating away at me. I never got the chance to talk to the guy, but I have only seen him twice. Both times he gave me a weird look that could have been, "I'm so embarrassed, and I'm sorry" or "I want to hump your leg." So, it leads me to this.

I want to tell Sweetie. I think I owe it to him. I just worry that he will misconstrue the situation, confront the guy, cause all kinds of drama, etc etc etc. It could all go SO SO badly, but honesty is the best policy, right?

home again

2005-11-02T21:11:00.000-05:00

I moved back to the apartment. It's good and fucked up at the same time.

I'm broke

2005-10-01T08:29:00.000-04:00

I make a decent amount of money. I wonder how it is then that I am completely broke. This shuffling between homes and apartments is costing me a ton....security deposits here, rent there. I need to settle in and start paying shit off. Quick.

I'm actually thinking about maybe freelancing again, for some extra cash. Lord knows I don't want to get a second job. I work long hours as it is. I need some time to myself at the day's end. Freelancing is cool, though, because I can fit it in while getting other things done. Maybe I will look into that.

In the meantime, gotta get started on my busy Saturday.

Hello from a different place

2005-09-14T06:42:00.000-04:00

Long time, no write. My life has been so crazy lately. Sweetie and I moved into the house, and it's not working. I hate it here. It's so not me. Good thing the house has bad plumbing, because it's enabling us to rent another apartment instead. I can't explain it. I just felt warm and cozy there. Here everything is so big and open, and it's just something I don't see myself getting used to. Clearly I'm still in the apartment stage and not ready for house life.

Back from vacay

2005-08-06T17:48:00.000-04:00

I have a few minutes to catch up....so...

Just returned from a week's vacay. Some good, some bad.

Bad: Packed house, little privacy, space, or consideration, which should go without saying, but still. I had faith that it wouldn't be as such, and I was wrong. This will be the last time it's like that for moi.

Good: Lots of yummy seaside lovin'. Reminded me how much I like sex, and I hope we keep having it.

Now I'm home and it's once again time to move, so off I go to pack.

Weirdest. Dream. Ever.

2005-07-27T06:08:00.000-04:00

Forgive the stream of consciousness, pseudo-LSD-trippin' sound. Look... I'll even change the color so you know this isn't the normal me.

There. That's better.

So anyway, we are away at our vacation spot, in our friends' house, and there's been a lot of rain. It's flooded nearly up to the second-story window. Backyareds are fenced like my old one. We're not allowed to go outside to feel the water (which is muddy anyway, so why would we want to feel it?) because there are crocodiles. I look out and watch a large croc eat a small one. I look out a short time later and see two massive dogs - a great dane and a mutt who looks like Sandy from Annie - in the next yard over, looking at me. I ponder their huge size, and then it fades.

Cut to later. I am in a small building, and Sweetie and I are sending notes back and forth through those interoffice envelopes. I wonder how these notes are getting there, since we're so far, and then a man opens a window and says they are closing soon. Turns out he was delivering them in some kind of Jetsonesque postal service way. He charges me $10 and I leave.

Sweetie says he's on his way from a college near my home (have no idea why) so I leave to head back to the vacation house. A group of people who also seem to be staying there have arrived. They are obnoxious. One looks conspicuously like my XH. Then, my XH walks in, though I have no idea why he's there. I turn to tell him someone looks just like him, but I have a pencil in my hand, and he assumes I mean him harm. I tell him no, we joke, and we are cordial the rest of the night, with him asking me about my car and telling me about folks we used to know. .

Sweetie comes in and says he and the guys are going to the hot tub down the road. Some time passes and those of us left at the house decide to head there as well. Truth is, I'm worried Sweetie is there socializing with some chick. I'm drunk, but I drive anyway. On the way, I nearly miss several animals, and at one point, my passenger door swings open. I leave it that way. Then I see another animal in the road. I think it's a cat. I try to move and can't. I realize, as I hit it a little, that it's a raccoon. In my mirror, I see it limp away, and I feel a profound sadness but a deep relief that it was a raccoon and not a cat. I feel like a horrible person for valuing a cat over a raccoon, and as I continue driving, I can't reconcile it in my drunken state.

When we get to the hot tub area, lots of people are there. We go on the top deck, I look down into the hot tub, and Sweetie is there with some guys he knows, and no hoochies as I'd feared. He is surprised to see me, but he is happy and says, "hey baby."

The dream ends here.

Share and share alike

2005-07-27T00:16:00.000-04:00

The day has come....I finally shared my link with someone other than Classy, who's known about this for ages.

I admit, it's kind of weird. I know the person I shared this with is cool about it and all, but still, now it's like, a little less private. So..... To you whom I've entrusted my innermost thoughts: be kind and nonjudgmental. Sometimes I write this shit after a long day or a lot of liquor or a combination of both. Don't always take it as gospel, as I often need to vent and be insane and paranoid and girly, which I realize is an oxymoron. Sometimes I use this as an excuse not to write for real. For that, kick my ass, but otherwise take it in stride.

Guess that means I can't write about the super naughty stuff anymore, huh? lol.

Anyway, it's very late, and life is good, and I am tired, so I should sleep any just be happy that I am writing often again, and it's good, and I have cats and family that love me.

The job is....

2005-05-27T07:06:00.000-04:00

So, the new job is good. I'm doing what I went to school for, and I am actually being paid pretty well for it. It's weird to be told "well done" after all those years of putting up with Assboss's mental abuse.

I'm trying to get my finances recovered from the long period of poor I like to call the po'hole. It's a tough job, and it's hard to see my shiny new paycheck already spent on bills, but such is life. I'm just thankful I can actually pay the bills now.

And...the best part of today is that it's the start of a holiday weekend. YAY!

Interesting

2005-05-03T22:24:00.000-04:00

Sweetie just took a shower, and I happened to glance at his cell. It's locked. Apparently, he doesn't trust me not to look at it. How fucked up is this? Honestly, I wasn't going to look, but it makes me wonder if he locked it for a reason. I can't deal with this again. For real.

Holy Sangiovese, Batman

2005-05-03T09:03:00.000-04:00

Memo to self: Do not consume an entire bottle of red wine in an hour and expect to function for the remainder of the night.

Lord, I am so stupid sometimes. Yesterday was court, and it was just so crappy, and I still felt terrible from the night before, so we got pizza and wine, and I drank the whole Godforsaken bottle. I then proceeded to freak out and cry and tell Sweetie why I was so angry about the night before. I think it shook him up. He kept saying he didn't like to see me cry like that. Well, WTF-ever. I didn't like seeing him texting with some chick. So there.

Good times, good times

2005-05-02T08:53:00.000-04:00

Sweetie lied to me last night....was texting with some chick and told me it was a friend of his. Not good. He gets no points for that. It actually made me physically ill when I found out though. My stomach was sick all night. I've had my moments of distrust before, but this was worse. I did a good thing though. Instead of letting it go all night and being sick about it, I woke him up and asked him point blank what was going on. His explanation is plausible, but it still bothers me. We talked again this morning, and I told him exactly where I was coming from about it. That's something I never would have done before, so I am making progress.

I really thought I had nothing to worry about in that area, and it scares me that I could be wrong. I know he flirts with other girls, but this was a "hey I wanted to hang out with you" kind of message, and he had replied that he was away this week (another lie) and she clearly knew he had a girlfriend, because when he said he was with me, she wrote back "OIC". Yeah, it's like that.

Funny that this came up because Friday night he was all kinds of flipping out because OH made a remark at Happy Hour that I have nice tits. Apparently, that was disrespectful enough to warrant Sweetie beating OH's ass next time he sees him. Interesting then, that him texting to some chick in front of my face and lying to me about who he was talking to was not that big a deal. Apparently, the fact that I looked at his phone was a bigger issue. Um, don't think so, honeybuns. Women sense that shit, and I am not about to be cheated on again.

Consider my antennae raised.

It's official

2005-04-26T17:28:00.000-04:00

I have a new job. I signed my letter and will be mailing it tomorrow morning. Officially I start May 9th, but if we can get the paperwork/drug test stuff complete before then I may start sometime next week. That is, if all that crack I've been smoking doesn't show up.

My manager (a guy) seems so nice and NORMAL. I already cleared the week I need off in August for vacay, and the salary is about 7K more than I made at my last job. The only thing that's different is 2 weeks' vacation versus the 3 I had. Still, the increase in salary and flexible environment makes up for it. I think my hours will be 8-5, but that's flexible, and I may switch to 7:30-4:30.

YAY! I can finally relax and start preparing to go back to work. So, in honor of me ceasing to be a jobless wonder, who wants to celebrate with me? I'll have a glass of Caymus Conundrum, please. (Actually, I am indulging in a Michelob Ultra because I am cheap and it was in my fridge. I lack the $25 for the wine at the moment. It will have to be a delayed celebration).

Weird things bugging me today

2005-04-20T10:22:00.000-04:00

I can't find a decent tongue ring that fits. I got pierced with a 10, and all the cool ones seem to come in only a 14. I need to call the piercing shop and find out my barbell length, so I can at least order online. What a PITA.

There is a man on my roof, chopping trees outside my bedroom window. When I walked my trash to the dumpster, said man and his tree-trimming cohorts ogled me. I hate being ogled.

My interview was changed from 12 to 1. I am antsy as it is. Must I wait another full HOUR before getting ready?

I am off to decide between Easy Mac and Easy Fries for my early lunch. I wonder what it is with me and the word 'easy'?

Being jobless sucks

2005-04-16T08:19:00.000-04:00

I've intentionally not written much lately, because, well, I'm jobless, and that sucks. I think that, for my own mental clarity, I need to enumerate exactly why it sucks. So here goes:

No money.
Feeling like I'm sponging off the parents, even though they assure me (and I know) that this period of my life, when compared to my whole life, is pretty short.
Finding out that my old job, though complete with Assboss, had pretty damn good benefits. Can you believe companies offer one week vacation after a year? That's crazy.
Fearing someone will ask where I work or what I do because "hanging out with the cats" isn't an acceptable answer
Hating the fact that, at the end of the day, when someone I love asks what I did, there is always a subtext of, "didn't you do anything to try to get a job?"
Related to that, whenever I am doing something that doesn't involve job hunting, there is the subtext of "why aren't you job hunting right now?" Apparently, looking for a job must be a 24/7 venture, even though full time employment is not.
Realizing that "How's the job hunt going?" is the most annoying question in the world. If I'm still looking, obviously it's not going anywhere, right? Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Having well-meaning friends suggest PT jobs that are SO not for me, like retail. Just because I am unemployed doesn't mean that I am cut out for whatever. I couldn't do retail in high school, and that hasn't changed. Sometimes we just hate things, and that is okay.
Having same well-meaning friends tell me all about the fun stuff they have planned for the weekend and then ask me what I'm doing. Um, same old nothing, because I'm broke. See #1.

Okay, I feel better.

I've made a decision

2005-02-23T16:32:00.000-05:00

Shocked, aren't you? Coming from indecisive little me, this is a biggie. And yes, as you read on, you'll see it's similar to a previous decision I made. No, I haven't gone insane. This is a decision I made, then was unable to carry out, and am now revamping, with some added twists and insights to round it out a bit more.

Ive been applying to some jobs that I am pretty overqualified for....admin stuff and a really good job this morning to be some VP's personal assistant. Who cares! It pays WELL, and it's in my town. I wrote a good cover letter, so I really hope they call me.

I'm thinking if I can get a job like this one, I will start freelancing again, since the day job won't be so mentally taxing. That way I can build up my writing portfolio this year and maybe next year be in the position to apply for the PhD program like I wanted to this year.

I think I have decided that's my plan. No ifs, ands, buts, or hesitations. I can't stay in this area much longer. I run into people from my past, and it is draining to worry about it all the time and feel like I am on guard. I haven't run into Ex, but I know it's got to happen soon. He is a dick, and I have no desire to ever see his face again. I hate worrying about that. I can't move home for obvious reasons, so that leaves somewhere else. Georgia sounds like a good place to me! Warm, close to the beach, and definitely a slower pace. I think I would do really well someplace totally new. I probably should have moved right after the divorce, but I don't think I could have, mentally. I am much better now :)

It kind of sucks because Classy starts at Cornell this fall, and she'll only be a weekend trip away, so if I move to Georgia, she'll be really far away again, but I think it's the right decision. I have to make a choice sometime, or I am going to sit and rot forever and never do anything with my life.

How's that for some insightful psychoanalytic crap? I blame it on the fact that I was high on caffeine when I thought it up. Still, I'm sticking with it.

Still on the lookout

2005-02-21T13:39:00.000-05:00

...for a new job, that is. Finding a job is very difficult, especially where I live, so I haven't been lucky thus far. I am temping in the meantime, to pay my bills and keep my cats from starving. It's okay...not great by any means, but it's something.

Not much else is going on. I haven't been writing much here, because there isn't much to update about. I am at a big standstill in just about every area. Job - well, you know....finances - kind of goes with job, future - you get the point.

One thing I am kind of regretting is not applying to school for the fall. I know I couldn't swing it financially this year, but it still bothers me. It's something I know I could do well at, but am held back by the weight of paying off the debt left to me by Ex-Jackass. I don't know if that will ever go away, which is tough to live with. I'm sure someday I'll pay it off, but until then, it hangs over my head and makes future decisions even tougher.

Perhaps next year, though.

Long time no update

2005-01-31T10:21:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been an eventful few weeks. Here's the skinny. I started the new job, it sucked, I quit, and I am now looking for a new job.

Got all that?

The personal life is a bit more complicated. Sweetie and I are doing okay, but there are some things still bothering me. I don't know what to do about it. Sorry that sounds so cryptic, but I am kinda down at the moment, and I don't want to go into it all. Maybe I will write more later.

My first day

2005-01-10T18:46:00.000-05:00

I'm home now, but really exhausted. I left the house at 7am this morning, and got home just before 6pm. I drove an hour out of city traffic into my hellish suburban traffic and made it back to my apartment, only to realize the only leftover in my fridge is Spanish rice. Not cool when you don't feel like cooking. It's a huge change from my former job in pretty much every way.

The Good
I have my own office on the 44th floor. That, in and of itself, is swanky.
My name is already on said office door. That feels good.
I was treated as a total professional today, and I get the sense that's how this place operates on a daily basis.
I have Monday off for MLK Day.

The Not-so-good
My former 10 minute commute on backroads is now an hour in traffic or 35 minutes in traffic and a scary walk to the train station
Everything is expensive in the city. This includes lunch.
I won't be home until about 6:30 most nights. I'm used to getting home at 4:15. How will I function without Dr. Phil?

So I'm back to the land of the working folk now.

Hair Drama Part Deux

2005-01-08T19:19:00.000-05:00

After forking over nearly $350, my hair is better. Not back to normal, but better, and thankfully, blonde. As superficial as it sounds, I need my blonde to function. It's part of my identity (Hello, BLONDE Suga....) Nothing against my brunette buds, but I just can't do brown.

Now it's Saturday night, and Sweetie is in the shower. We had a long talk on Wednesday about the sex issue, and I am so unsure about the whole situation. Something just doesn't seem quite right, even though he assured me he is totally attracted to me and loves sex when we do have it. I need to resolve this soon, as it's starting to really bother me. I told Sweetie I would stick it out and wait for him to figure things out, but he's going to have to start working on it soon. I can't wake up and go to bed every night essentially alone, even when he's right next to me. It just hurts too much.

Speaking of... the following song is especially applicable right now.

Beautiful Disaster

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He’s as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain’t right.... It just ain’t right
Oh and I don’t know
I don’t know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight...Hold on tight
Oh cuz I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long....So long
He’s soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He’s never enough
And still he's more than I can take
Oh cuz I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
He’s beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster

Hair drama

2005-01-07T15:29:00.000-05:00

Ugh...today's been a real doozy. I went for a cut and color this morning, and my colorist convinced me that my hair really needed to be darkened and then highlighted because it looked too light. So he darkened it, and it is brown now, with a VERY subtle blonde highlight. It's almost Jennifer Garner brown. Yes, that dark. He told me to go home and let it sink in and get used to it.

Well, I left there and wanted to cry. After looking at it more in the mirror, I decided that, even if it faded, the color is still WAY too dark for my comfort zone. Just to be sure, I washed it 3 times, and it's still too dark. I called the salon, and I am going back in at 5:30 for more highlights. I'm really disappointed, because I was so looking forward to a great change and now I am having to run around and will probably tick off my colorist, but what can I do? This dark color is so not me. I am a blonde. I think I'll be finding a new salon, too. I know it's not their fault. The color is quite pretty....just on someone else. It just embarrasses me that I ended up hating it so after forking over $215 to get it this color.

Cross your appendages that they are able to give me back my hair.

Thoughts on my last day

2004-12-31T11:09:00.000-05:00

Well, this is it. I have packed up everything at my desk, cleaned out my email box, and am now basically sitting on my ass until I meet with HR and finalize my paperwork.

Overall, I feel very good. I made the right decision, I handled myself properly, and I am leaving here with as much respect as I could hope for under the circumstances. Still, I'm sad to leave. I really like a lot of people here, and there are a few notable ones I am going to miss. I thought I would be emotional today, but really, I'm just content. I made my decision, it's playing itself out, and I am at peace with that.

Well that sucked.

2004-12-30T10:23:00.000-05:00

So, last night I made this really nice dinner. Afterwards, Sweetie says he wants to go out for dessert. We went to a local restaurant as, as soon as the waitress took our drink order he said to me, "Wow, that was awkward. Right before I met you, I was sort of hooking up with her best friend. She knows I met you and I'm happy and all, and she still IMs me sometimes to ask if I'm single yet..."

I tensed up and got really uncomfortable. It was written all over my face, and I just wanted to get out of there. He got irritated that I was pissy about it, and we left soon after.

I am just uncomfortable hearing that he was hooking up with another girl, even if it was right before we met, and that she still talks to him occasionally, which I think is inappropriate and bothers me. I know he was with other girls, but I am sorry.... I just don't want to hear it, and have the waitress looking at me, evaluating me, and probably telling her friend about it or whatever, especially if in the beginning of my relationship with Sweetie he was still talking to/seeing this chick. That is not something I want to know....ever, because now it's something in my mind that didn't need to be there. Stuff like that really gets to me, especially when I am upset about other aspects of our relationship.

He hasn't responded to my text message yet today. I think he's still pissed. Whatever. I'm sure he would have been uncomfortable if we walked in and I saw some dude I hooked up with and was like, "Yo, I hooked up with that guy." He'd spent the whole night with images of me and that random dude naked in his mind. I have every right to be uncomfortable with that, and I am.

Vin-di-ca-tion time, come on!

2004-12-22T10:57:00.000-05:00

OH MY GOD. I just had a nice long chat with my director. He is seriously concerned about my boss's attitude/behavior, and he told me, "I am dealing with this now. It's going to be time consuming, but there will be some changes. It's too late for you now, but I just want you to know I believed you, and I am doing something about this." He told me he has nothing but respect for me for the way I handled everything and that he wants me to get the most expensive thing on the menu at lunch today because he feels so bad about what happened.

I think there is finally justice in the world.

It's official

2004-12-20T14:31:00.000-05:00

I gave the hosebeast my two weeks' notice this morning. I now await either 12/31 or the inevitable early send-off. We'll see!

Mini work vent

2004-12-17T13:27:00.000-05:00

Quick two parter, because the Hosebeast is hot on my tail today.

I hate:

When people walk by your cube and stare in at what you are doing. What do you care what I am doing? Go back to your hole.
When my boss sends me status requests for things I have already confirmed with the applicable parties and adds, "this shouldn't be a problem," to it. No shit, Sherlock. It's not a problem because I am already fucking working on it.

Serenity now. Serenity now. Repeat it with me.

Attack of the stomach virus

2004-12-16T10:28:00.000-05:00

Well, that wasn't fun. I've spent the last 48 hours fighting some kind of demon in my belly. I think I'm on the mend now, but suffice to say that it wasn't pretty. I think I dropped a few pounds, though. Good times, good times.

Okay, first and foremost. A COLOSSAL congratulations to my favorite Classy babe for her acceptance at Cornell. She is most deserving, and I am sure she is going to take that campus by storm. Plus, I'm REALLY happy that she's going to be such a short distance from me in the Fall. Way to go, honey. You earned it!

Not much is new in my life due to the nasty bug I've been fighting. I learned just how much I hate television, how the same news stories get repeated umpteen times during the night, how good Ore-Ida Easy Fries are (don't ask. we eat weird things when we're sick), and realized even more how much I hate the evil being that is my boss. I can't wait to cash out on Monday and start on my path to happiness and glee.

Things that annoy me about the ungainly coworker

2004-12-14T14:56:00.000-05:00

She's just on my last nerve with her Hoffa hack today, so I'm making an official list.

Things That Annoy Moi about Mz. Ungainly Succubus (look it up)

She pretty much whispers into the phone. God forbid anyone hear her insanely personal calls to her mom and the husband she berates daily.
She says "thing" as "thingk." There is no K, dipshit.
She says "okay" as "o-kye."
She ends every.single.call with "o-kye, bah-bye." in this weird trying-to-be-soft-but-she-still-sounds-like-a-dude voice
She literally lumbers around like it's her first day in this new sloth-like body. Honey, you've been toting that boot around for 30-some years now. Get used to it.
She shuffles her feet as she lumbers.
The cadence of her typing is annoying.

I may think (yes, that's think, as opposed to thingk) of more. Stay tuned.

cough~hack~cough~hack

2004-12-14T13:52:00.000-05:00

This is what I am hearing today from my ungainly, lumbering slug of a co-worker. She is over there hacking up what I have decided is either a third lung, remnants of the many doughnuts she downs in a week, or Jimmy Hoffa. Who knows, but it sounds bad, and if it gets me sick for Christmas I'm going ghettobitch on her ass and taking a crowbar to her mamamobile.

She's truly becoming a pompous asshole, too....even more than she was. Now she's signing emails to me with her new and improved title. Barf. I am going to love telling her I got a higher position making more $$ than her. She and her wet paper bag husband and weird spawn can rot.

Happy Holidays!

The official plan

2004-12-10T14:52:00.000-05:00

I am going to give notice on 12/20, after my stock option transaction is complete. 12/30 will be my last day (12/31 is a company holiday). I'll start my new job on 1/10.

Okay, sounds lovely, right? HA. There's more. Boss is out 12/28-12/31. My one co-worker is out the whole week of 12/27-12/30. The other is out 12/27-12/29. If my last day is 12/30, I think I am sufficiently screwing them work-wise if I really slack off that last week when I am basically here alone.

I don't think it will come to that. I think she will let me go 12/23, right before Christmas, in a feeble attempt to ruin my holiday. I will laugh, tell her to suck a dick, dance a jig, and saunter my booty right on out the door to enjoy the holidays with my cats, loved ones, and stock money.

BTW, want to hear Boss's latest asstastic comment? Now that I am on my way out, these are kind of funny, because I see how she is trying to get my goat. Not that I have a goat, mind you, but you know what I mean.

We were looking at the holiday party pics, and one of a co-worker and his wife popped up. This was her comment: "She's a technical writer over at XYZ. She applied for the editor position, and I think he's irritated at me that I didn't bring her in. The truth is, she was wayyyy overqualified [insert scrunched up face here] and I just couldn't pay her what she was worth."

Interesting, considering she told me I was underqualified. I can't wait to see her face when I tell her I got a much better position as an editor and that I interviewed with my tongue ring and they couldn't care less. There are no words for the amount of unadulterated hatred that flows through my soul for this waste of cellular material. I need to be free!

And the countdown begins

2004-12-10T07:40:00.000-05:00

It's all I can do not to up and quit this hellhole, especially after incidents with my co-worker waving her superiority flag in my face and wondering if I am hung over and my dickslap boss treating me like microwaved dogshit. I'm REALLY using every ounce of strength I can muster to stick this out 10 more days until I can cash out my stocks. We'll see if that comes to pass or not. I don't care much at this point. I just want to get my offer letter signed and returned so I can move on with my life....and start shopping for my new job. So far I know I will need the following things for my commute:

Good pair of sneaks - I'll have to walk several blocks to/from the train
Rain shoes
Good, small umbrella
Nice tote bag
Long coat

Not bad that I get to shop a little for the new gig. That's kind of exciting. Sweetie told me last night he thinks I should take a trip while I am off. Honestly, I am considering it. Maybe a short last-minute cheap cruise. I've never vacationed alone, but I could use the mental clarity of no distractions and clear blue waters and a good book by the pool. I'm going to look into it today.

In other news, all fingers are crossed for my favorite Classy babe. Here's hoping that waitlist status turns to acceptance very soon. She is among the most dedicated and smartest women I know, and I think Tuck would be lucky to have her.

I got it.

2004-12-09T07:28:00.000-05:00

The job, that is. I truly cannot believe I actually got it. This is like a real career job, in the field I have my degree in and everything. The pluses are that (duh!), the fact that I am finally going to be free of my beast boss, and the fact that I THINK I might be getting an office rather than a cubicle. Lord, that sounds sweet.

The big downside is that I now have to commute into the city, which is a gigantic breach of my comfort zone. I have to ride the scary train and walk a few blocks to work, etc. Maybe it will help get me into shape though. Another thing is that the salary is only a 12% increase from what I make now. Oh well. I really need to get out, and I do think this position has the potential to get me promoted and make more money if I do a good job, etc.

Sweetie took me out for a martini last night to celebrate. I'm sure we will celebrate more this weekend. As for when I am leaving here/starting there, I'm still working on that. They gave me the option to start after the new year, and I think I am going to, so I have some time off in between. It will be rough financially for a few weeks, but really....I need the mental break, and it will do me good to catch up on some life things I've been putting off.

So, raise your glasses and toast to my new job!

17 days till Christmas

2004-12-08T07:32:00.000-05:00

I'm getting prepared. Still a few gifts to buy, but I'm on schedule. My apartment actually looks somewhat decent after having people over on Saturday, too. Now, if I could only keep up with my laundry, I'd be all set.

This past weekend was fun. Sweetie and I went out to friends' Friday, and I proceeded to drink copious amounts of alcohol and get wild and crazy. It was fun, though. I am a bit troubled by the fact that Sweetie seems to only want to get intimate with me in situations like that. In fact, when I left this morning, I am pretty sure he had an idea why I was upset/irritated. I mean, what red-blooded male turns down sex with his girlfriend on a regular basis? Especially when his anatomy is telling me otherwise? That is what I am trying to figure out.

Anyway, in other news, I still have not heard about the job, and I got my GRE scores yesterday. They were not good enough. No other way to put it. School next year isn't happening, because there is absolutely no time to retake them and have the scores in by the 2/15 app deadline....I don't think. The writhing academic in me really wants to check Georgia State's website and see if it's possible, but I'm trying to refrain. I really don't have the money to move down south right now anyway. I want to so badly, but I just don't see it happening.

I'm trying to keep my spirits up, because this is my favorite time of year. It's not feeling like it though. I'm feeling tired and beaten down again. I need some kind of pick-me-up. Any ideas?

Thanksgiving weekend....

2004-11-29T07:32:00.000-05:00

First, Sweetie and I had a fight on Wednesday night. During the day he was being kind of weird, and I got the feeling he wanted to go out with his friends and not me that night. But he insisted he wanted me to come out. We got to the bar, and some of his friends showed up. Fine. I hung out with his mom and a friend of hers while he chilled out with the guys. A friend from work stopped by, so I talked to her for a bit. We were all having a good time watching the band and being social. About 11:45, I started to get tired, and I told Sweetie. He got an attitude with me, saying he wasn't ready to leave yet. Mind you, we'd been there since 7:30. I said okay, then we would stay a bit longer. I was drinking, so I'd planned to stay at his house, otherwise I would have just gone home myself.

Anyway, a few minutes later, he was like, "Fine, let's go." We got outside, and he said, "I feel like I'm fucking married." Well, that did it right there. I started crying and it just got really ugly. I reminded him that I was going to his Thanksgiving dinner, and not seeing MY family for him, and if he couldn't drag himself away from the bar long enough to run me home, I had a real problem with that. I was like, "Listen, if you don't want to be here, you need to tell me right fucking now, so I can go see my family tomorrow." I was so angry and hurt.

He also threw out some bullshit about me not trusting him, which made me really mad, too. He said he thought I wouldn't go home alone because I didn't want him at the bar with other girls there. WTF? That was totally out of left field. If anything, in this relationship, I have made conscious efforts TO trust, and he knows how hard that is for me. And, in the past, his girlfriends have been very distrustful, so I think he assumed I was, too. I said, "I've brought you to my parents' home....to my grandmother's home. If I didn't trust you, you wouldn't be given that privilege." I really let him have it. I've never gone off on him like that before.

We went to his house, and he eventually apologized for his asstastic comments. He said he loves me so much, is totally dedicated to me, he just gets frustrated about his friends. He feels like he's viewed differently because he's settled down. I was like, "you know what, buddy? That's your problem. And those are some shitty friends if they don't want to hang out with you because you have a girlfriend."

I got up at 6:30 and helped him get the turkey in the oven, but I was still hurt and angry from the fight. I cannot stand to argue. So all day Thanksgiving I am thinking I want to go home, I want to see my family because I am feeling so awful about this. But I go to Sweetie's anyway because I said I would. After dinner, I am getting ready to go home because I still feel bad. He is apparently waiting for this dude to come with some stuff, so I say I'm leaving. He then hints that maybe he will come home with me. So I wait. And we wait. I am getting so irritated waiting around for this fucking dealer that I can barely speak to him when we finally do go to my place. As usual, he gets totally fucked up and passes out.

Friday I shop during the day and Friday night we go to his brother's show and out to dinner. Fine...this is nice. We come home. Once again....gets fucked up and passes out. I can't get him to come to bed, so I just leave him in the living room.

So anyway, Saturday he is at home all day working on a job, and I am shopping/cleaning/etc. He comes over and we go to the holiday cocktail party. Well, it turns out I get a fever and get sick and we have to leave. By the time we get home I am moaning from body aches and am totally sick. He gets me set up on the sofa with juice and tylenol and proceeds to (yes, you guessed it) drink a ton of wine and pass out. I am so sick and only want to go to bed, but he is not moving. Finally I just leave him there and go to bed myself. Nothing like taking care of yourself and your passed out boyfriend when you are so sick.

Yesterday I was alone and sick all day while he went home and watched the game, etc. (This was my choice...I told him to go because I wasn't up to coming with him). He came back last night and it was the same thing. I seriously want to cry all the time because of it. I don't know what to do. Our relationship is so fucked up, I can't even begin to describe it. He doesn't want to have sex with me, he just wants to freaking drink and jerk off, I suppose. I don't understand. He clearly loves me, so I am at a total loss why this is the way things are. I am literally sick over this.

So that was my holiday. I hope yours was better.

Interesting evening

2004-11-24T07:59:00.000-05:00

So, I went out last night to chill with a girlfriend, and at the last minute, I decided to invite OH along. I thought perhaps he could bring some testosterone for her and just chill with me a bit, since we don't get the chance to talk much at work.

What an interesting evening this turned out to be. Suffice to say that my hunches about OH were right on, and that he seemed very friendly. Now, I am a good girl and would never cheat on Sweetie, but it is flattering to know that someone views you that way.

During the night I did text Sweetie to see if he wanted to come over for some late night cuddling, and he said he could not. That sucked a bit. I mean, if my man called specfically requesting some action, I think I would be jumping on that pronto. Sadly, Sweetie does not seem to see intimacy as a priority in our relationship. I'm really hoping something changes along those lines soon, becuase it's making me feel very badly about myself.

I don't understand

2004-11-19T14:00:00.000-05:00

why some friends have to be so negative all the time. It's one of life's great mysteries, and it makes me sad. I have lost so many friends, and it looks like I have another that's heading that way.

Is being happy for me, loving, and supportive too much to ask? Apparently so.

Oh well, back to your regularly scheduled Friday.

Vodka and cranberry juice

2004-11-03T18:11:00.000-05:00

This is what I am drinking since I learned I did not get the other job at my company. Crying wasn't working anymore, so I turned to alcohol. Relax. I'm not driving anywhere. I'm only hoping to get drunk enough to forget about the pile of laundry waiting in my bedroom and the poor feline to be operated on in the morning.

A special song

2004-11-03T07:29:00.000-05:00

I should have posted this yesterday. It was a significant date, and this song really spoke to me.

Ghost
There's a letter on the desktop that i dug out of a drawer
the last truce we ever came to from our adolescent war
and i start to feel a fever from the warm air through the screen
you come regular like seasons shadowing my dreams
and the mississippi's mighty but it starts in Minnesota
at a place where you could walk across with five steps down
and i guess that's how you started like a pinprick to my heart
but at this point you rush right through me and i start to drown
and there's not enough room in this world for my pain
signals cross and love gets lost and time passed makes it plain
of all my demon spirits i need you the most
i'm in love with your ghost
dark and dangerous like a secret that gets whispered in a hush
when i wake the things i dreamt about you last night make me blush
when you kiss me like a lover then you sting me like a viper
i go follow to the river, play your memory like the piper
and i feel it like a sickness how this love is killing me
but i'd walk into the fingers of your fire willingly
and dance the edge of sanity, i've never been this close
in love with your ghost
unknowing captor you'll never know how much you pierce my spirit
but i can't touch you, can you hear it
a cry to be free or i'm forever under lock and key as you pass through me
now i see your face before me, i would launch a thousand ships
to bring your heart back to my island as the sand beneath me slips
as i burn up in your presence, and i know now how it feels
to be weakened like Achilles with you always at my heels
and my bitter pill to swallow is the silence that i keep
that poisons me, i can't swim free, the river is too deep
though i'm baptized by your touch i am no worse at most
in love with your ghost...

Updates all around

2004-11-02T07:57:00.000-05:00

Work: I applied for another job here and am still waiting to hear about my interview. My boss is being strangely nice to me in the meantime. Whatever. My mind is occupied with other things.

School: I'm trying to find a 3rd place to apply. My GRE is next weekend, and I am freaking.

Sweetie: Sigh. Here's the part I am sad about. We went to a wedding this weekend, and he was completely crazy out of control. We had a long talk last night, and he knows what his problems are. I just don't think he's ready to address them. He's afraid he will change, and he won't like...and the people around him won't like....who he is sober.

This needs to be addressed before we can ever move forward, and I need to find a way to tell him this. I encouraged him as much as I could last night, but I don't think he really got what I was saying. He knows that in order for him to conquer this problem, he'd probably need to go to rehab. Lord, that makes me sad to think about. I want him to get better though. I don't think he understands that I would love him no matter how difficult this journey was for him. I love him as a person, and drinks and whatever else don't change that. I wish there was a way to make him know that, but I suppose it's something he will have to figure out for himself.

Friday morning vent

2004-10-22T07:36:00.000-04:00

I swear, I think Sweetie had PMS last night. (Disclaimer: He's spent the past four days coming home to work on a very frustrating home improvement job, so I understand he's probably beyond wiped out. Still....)

Okay, so anyway. He calls me at like 6:30 saying he's on his way, and we talk about dinner. I say I am tired and have little food in the apt. since we are away this weekend, so let's just go to this little spot around the corner and grab a quick bite. He agrees. We hang up and I go get ready while he drives over.

He comes in, flops down and says, "Do you really want to go out?" Yes, in fact, I do, unless you want Ellio's pizza or cup o' soup. Work sucks, I've spent this week unpacking, doing laundry, cooking, repacking, and my mom and dad are on their way to euthanize my cat as we speak. I believe I could stand a burger and a beer, okay?

After much hemming and hawing, he agrees to go to TGI Fridays. It's not the nice little spot around the corner, but okay. Fine. By this point, I don't care. We get there, I see the girlfriend of a past hookup (Hello, Awkward Moment, nice to meet you!) and we sit down. I say I might order a chicken quesadilla, since I am not up for a whole entree. He replies, "eew, those are nasty." Well, thanks, penis, I so want to eat something you think is [insert grossed out face] nasty.

So I order shrimp. We eat. We go home and watch TV. When it's time to go to bed, he curls his arm around me, and I reach up and put my hand on his. He literally snaps at me, "Don't grab my hand like that. I have a cut there." Like I knew. Thanks. Thanks for snapping at me just before I go to sleep.

Ugh. If I didn't love him, I'd be truly pissed at his pissiness. As it stands, I am annoyed. I suppose we are all entitled to it now and again.

/Vent.

I swear men have a sixth sense

2004-10-19T08:54:00.000-04:00

They know when you're off limits, and they sniff you out like a freaking canine.

Office Hottie and my ex-fiance (the good ex) just both emailed me, asking how I am doing. What is this.....Men From my Past week? Do I give off some vibe that has everything with testes in a 50 mile radius checking on me? Should I also expect a call from the guy I hooked up with in '99 who calls me to ask if we can hook up again every 6 months, even though he's married? Geez.

But I still love my Sweetie.

Confessions of a fruit loop

2004-10-12T07:18:00.000-04:00

I had a doctor's appt. for my anxiety symptoms last night. HA! Couldn't have been a more fitting day. After a long appointment that consisted of about 30 minutes of waiting, having the male nurse touch my naked breast in an attempt to attach the EKG strips (Yea, right), being stuck twice in unsuccessful attempts to get my blood, I left with less time than I needed for my night and a prescription for Xanax. Lovely.

I get home, chat with Sweetie on the phone, start looking for a suit I like for my interview Tuesday and can't find it. Knowing time is running short because the bank will be closing, I feel myself start to tense up. My fingers get numb, my breathing quickens, and I start to lose focus. It sucks.

So Sweetie and I are chatting on AIM, and I'm getting annoyed from the lingering situation with this weekend. He seems to be ignoring me in favor of talking to her (as has been the case since Saturday, and I'm more than mildly annoyed), so I tell him I've had enough of the situation and I have to go and I sign off. I never do this, so I expect him to call me and ask what's wrong. He doesn't.

I go to the bank and just barely make it home. My anxiety level is so high that you could probably feel the tension in my skin if you touched me. I'm not liking what's happening to my body here.

A few hours and several loads of laundry later, I take a bath and sip a glass of wine, and my body is calming down. I'm guessing that prescription for Xanax will probably be a good idea.

I must admit. I feel like a fruit loop.

Sick, tired, and frustrated

2004-10-09T20:55:00.000-04:00

Sweetie is at the wedding, and as luck would have it, I am on the verge of getting some kind of major illness. I thought it was a hangover from the multiple martinis I drank last night on the deck, but once the lingering nausea and dizziness from that wore off, a more sinister bug set in.

I'm now plagued with that icky, sweaty feeling you get when you're sick, along with the beginnings of a sore throat and just an overall feeling that I'm getting something flu-like. Not pretty, especially considering I have to drive into the city at freaking 2am to pick up Sweetie.

Now that the wedding day is here, I can rest a little easier. This week has been so tense that, sick or not, 2am drive or not, I am just happy to have this bullshit over with. It taught me a lot about loyalty, compromise, and the nature of true love and friendship.

When it rains, it pours.

2004-10-07T13:39:00.000-04:00

I had my review this morning. It went as badly as possible without her firing me on the spot.

Clearly my boss just dislikes me. It's definitely personal, because when I asked for examples of work issues, she had none. She was basically telling me everything she hates about me. I gave it right back to her, and I told her how I heard her talking about my tongue ring and how that was inappropriate and I should have gone to HR because it was discriminatory and all kinds of stuff. She said the tongue piercing was unprofessional and insinuated it had something to do with my interview for the job I didn't get but of course never outright said it.

She pretty much sat there and took it when I said all the tongue ring stuff because she knows I am right. She discriminated against me, and I could argue that so easily since she specifically mentioned it in conjunction with the interview. She also told me several people approached her about it, and I was like, "This is a classic case of Mind Your Own Business. If you don't like it, don't pierce your tongue. But really, this has nothing to do with my position or the respect I feel like I deserve."

Also, Sweetie and I just had lunch. I think he's okay...he just needed to cool down from last night or whatever. He's still a little distant, but he sees how upset I am, so he kind of put it aside I think. I just want to get through this weekend, and I think everything will be okay. We are helping his mom pack up the truck for vacation tonight. She leaves tomorrow and we'll arrive Wednesday. It's so what I need.

It's the weekend, boyyyeeeee

2004-10-02T11:52:00.000-04:00

Yes, I've been watching too much of the Surreal Life.

Anyway, I'm about to get ready to go to lunch with Sweetie and then pick up Classy at the airport. We're going to rock this town tonight. WOOHOO.

Last night rocked. Sweetie and I went out to a nice Italian dinner and had a blast sampling the wines and chowing down on the yummy grub. Then we came back here and I fell asleep for a bit. Woke in time to go to bed...

Ok, I'm going to get dressed now! Ciao!

In the ghetttooooooooooo

2004-09-29T19:56:00.000-04:00

Yes, folks, I am drinking chocolate milk in a wine glass. This is solely because I am too lazy to actually wash one of my ever-so-suave free McD's Disney glasses. It looks like it should be a chocolate martini, but alas, it's regular old chocolate milk.

WAIT! I have some Godiva liquor.

Holy everything that is righteous....that is better. I added some Godiva, a splash of Svedka, a touch of cream, and a few more ice cubes. I do believe this now approaches an almost official Chocolatini. It's still in a wine glass though, so my ghetto status remains.

Okay, anyhoo. I haven't had a chance to update the blog in a few days, because I was busy moving into my new divapad. I love the new place. Boxes abound, organization has not begun, but still, this place already feels like home. It's so nice to be able to do laundry and wash dishes in my fancy schmancy dishwasher. I truly take nothing for granted. Those are things that genuinely please me now.

The boys seem to be adjusting nicely. Mr. M. is sitting on the back of the sofa now, looking regal as always. Little J. is somewhere, likely perfecting the art of chewing or clawing.

I am just taking it easy tonight. Sweetie is spending the night at home, too, which is okay. I am getting better at being by myself, slowly but surely. I even confronted one of my big fears yesterday. I stopped at the store where Ex's mom shops. I know she's there all the time, and for that reason I avoid it like the plague (even though it is literally on my way home from work).

Yesterday, in the interest of time and avoidance of the nasty weather, I went there. I had an epiphany of sorts. "Why am I avoiding this woman when it was her son that cheated on me? I have nothing to be ashamed of," I thought. And then I shopped with my head held nice and high. Of course I didn't run into her. Now that I've broken the barrier, so to speak, I'll probably run into her when I am looking all unkempt and beat. I looked put-together yesterday, damnit. I looked, "I'm way past that stupid divorce and so happy now" cute. And still, the gods didn't shine on me and let me run into her.

They're making it up to me now, though, thanks to my little Chocolatini. Okay, back to my good book. OOH, and The Bachelor is on in an hour. Sweetness!

An appropriate tune...

2004-09-24T10:21:00.000-04:00

..for today. It's MOVING DAY!!!!

Fish don't fry in the kitchen
Beans don't burn on the grill
Took a whole lotta tryin'
Just to get up that hill
Now we're up in the big leagues
Gettin' our turn at bat
As long as we live,
it's you and me baby
There ain't nothin wrong with that.
Well we're movin on up
To the east side
To a deluxe apartment in the sky
Movin on up
To the east side
We finally got a piece of the pie!!

The end is near!

2004-09-23T09:55:00.000-04:00

Well, the end of living in my ubercruddy apartment, that is. Yesterday right after work, I ran out and bought cute, girly stuff for my new bathroom. I love knowing that in just one measly day, everything in my space will be clean and new, and I'll be able to do laundry at all hours of the day and night.

I'm so happy to be moving for so many reasons. The largest is that this space has never felt like my own, never felt homey. It's the little place I escaped to, really, and I hate being there so much. The day I moved in I barely recalled what it even looked like. I am excited to be able to come home to a place that's filled with happy memories from the last year, instead of hand-me-down things and mismatched pity furniture people gave me. It gives me a new perspective on other things in my life.

For example, I feel like I am ready to tackle big things now. I got rid of my old, sad, shell of an apartment. In my new, happier place, I feel motivated to literally take on new attitudes about things. I see myself finding a groove where I can concentrate on my writing, applying to school, baking, reading, learning to be by myself, and learning to BE myself more, going to the gym, cooking, and eating better....all those things that I used to covet but have pushed to the back burner because I haven't yet been comfortable enough with my surroundings to enjoy my life within the walls. I've spent so much of the last year seeking ways to be away from my home that I've forgotten how to function when I am there.

Okay, enough psychobabble. Last night consisted of chucking clothes into large trash bags, packing up the remainder of the kitchen, and formulating a plan to get the large mountain of boxes from one place to the other. I am so glad Sweetie is helping me with this. I would be completely lost if I were trying to do this by myself.

After packing we went out to dinner at our favorite Mexican spot. Yummers. We sat on the patio and enjoyed a nice, romantic meal and a few margaritas. We talked about our favorite nights together thus far, which I enjoyed hearing. He told me about the one time he recalls being angry with me, and it was actually kind of sweet.

We were at a concert, and I imbibed a bit too much, and was basically looped. He'd gone off the use the potty (for him, most likely a bush. God bless my Bandit.), and when he returned, apparently I was about to be pounced on by 3 big, drunk dudes. In my inebriated state, of course I knew nothing of this. He was both worried about my safety and annoyed that I didn't watch out for myself more. Call it goofy, but that made me feel good that he was worried about me like that.

Today's work news: Jerk co-worker dyed her hair back to its natural color....a very non-descript, mousy brown. It goes without saying that it is ugly. I'm practically writhing in the joy this brings me.

Can you stand another rant?

2004-09-22T07:54:00.000-04:00

Work sucks already. This is disheartening considering it is 8am. My boss doesn't speak to me. She stares into my cube every time she passes by to see what I am doing, but to actually speak to me? HA! Unthinkable. It's so freaking ridiculous. She is all gabby gabby with my jerk co-worker, yet she cannot find the time to say as much as hello to me unless it's to send me some pointed email about how my status reports to her are not detailed enough. Here's a hint, dipshit. I GET MY WORK DONE, so my status is usually a list of things I am waiting for so I can get started on something else. Perhaps if I perused eBay all day, too, I'd have more outstanding work. Hmm. Maybe I should work on my new story idea. That will look like real work when she stares into my cube, huh?

I am really starting to hate it here. Do you know how difficult it is to drag myself out of bed when Sweetie is laying there only to have to come in to THIS for 8 hours???? I'm starting to lose all motivation, and that is not like me. And I feel a very bad headache coming on. What the hell. Maybe I will go home early.

In other news, I move in two days, and my apartment is SOOO not completely packed. This begins the rapid increase in my stress level. I know everything will get done. The fact that last night consisted of laying on the sofa with a book, eating dinner, and watching a movie instead of a marathon packing session isn't helping, though. Packing just sucks, and it's hard to figure out what needs to be kept out for the next two days and what can get shoved into boxes. I suppose that will be tonight's activity, since I really can't put it off much longer.

Another weekend bites the dust

2004-09-20T08:04:00.000-04:00

...but, surprisingly, it left me in a decent mood, all things considering.

Friday night we hung with friends, and I got slightly annoyed when the topic of the wedding came up. Luckily, it was resolved (or, at least, we all know it needs to be) in a way that is comfortable for me.

Saturday was packing in the a.m. and then chilling out in the evening with Sweetie. I got upset because of a significant date, and then Sweetie told me some things no one wants to hear, but I'm glad he did. They shed a lot of light on certain aspects of our relationship.

Yesterday we did nothing, and it was great. Those are my favorite days together.

Tonight I am going to a book reading for a friend and then to a reception after. It's so cool that her book has been published, and I can't wait to finally meet her in person. That should be fun!

No big shocker

2004-09-17T15:47:00.000-04:00

They are hiring someone else. I didn't get the job.

The time is approaching.

2004-09-17T14:06:00.000-04:00

My boss just asked me to meet at 3:30. I am guessing I will get the official word on the job and who is being hired then. If it is me, Sweetie and I are going to some major kickass dinner tomorrow night.

If not, which is what my gut tells me, I shall drink copious amounts of alcohol and thank God that at least I have naturally big boobs and can write good stories.

I'm beyond frustrated

2004-09-16T18:28:00.000-04:00

I've been sitting here for nearly an hour and a half waiting to hear from Sweetie because he's supposed to come over tonight to help me pack. There are tons of boxes in my car and bubble wrap and crap that I need help getting up to my apartment.

I've also been waiting to run to the store to see what he wanted for dinner and to do my laundry so he'd be here to help me with it after dark.

Well, now, at 6:00 he finally calls and says he doesn't feel like coming over tonight.

Well, you know what?

I don't fucking feel like hauling all those boxes in from my car by myself, or going out to the store now for dinner, and it's gotten too late to do laundry alone, since it's going to be dark soon.

This night is now a total waste, and all I can do is sit here and cry out of frustration.

I hope he enjoys his "night off." A few more like this and he can have his whole fucking life off.

That's all. I'm done being a bitch now.

The promotion that never was

2004-09-16T12:29:00.000-04:00

Well, I am 99.9% certain I am not getting the job. I already knew this, but it still sucks. I'm pretty calm about it...not too upset.

I just overheard talk that the remaining interviews have been cancelled. Since they interviewed another candidate yesterday, I am guessing this means they hired him/her. I guess this is why my boss has been nice to me today. It just sucks because this truly was my only opportunity to get promoted here, and my boss knew that. I could have really used the extra salary, which she also knew.

Even though I am planning to pursue my PhD, that's not for a year, so I do think I will start looking for something else for that time period. What happened here was not fair, and I'm not going to be berated daily by a boss who deliberately does things that hurt my career. I still believe I did the right thing by interviewing, and I will be doing the right thing when I leave.

Coincidentally, my GRE study books just arrived. This must be a sign that I am moving my life in a more positive direction.

No hair drama for me

2004-09-16T07:39:00.000-04:00

It must be getting ready to snow, because my hair looks really good. The colorist did highlights and lowlights, a base color thing to even it out, and a glaze. By the end I didn't really care what was going on my head. The result is gorgeous. The color is very much like my own, just with lots of detail in the individual strands.

I'm not AS thrilled with the cut. There aren't as many long layers in it as I wanted. It was difficult to tell last night when it was styled, but this morning when I did it, I realized my cut is mostly one length (it's about 4 inches past my shoulders). I think she cut most of my previous layers out. Oh well...next time I will just get a different stylist and have more layers cut back in. I decided not to cut it short because I want to grow it long for a couple of big events in the next few months....namely my company holiday party!

But the new salon rocks. They are expensive and slow, but the quality of the staff makes up for it. It was the perfect end to a crappy day, topped off by Sweetie telling me I looked beautiful a couple times, including right before I fell asleep.

In other news, I am really looking forward to seeing Classy when she comes to town in a few weeks, and hopefully going to visit her the following weekend. We are going to take these cities by storm! WOOHOO!

Off with my hair!

2004-09-15T16:40:00.000-04:00

errrr...something like that. In the midst of my cruddy day I looked at myself in the mirror, was sufficiently frightened, and decided to call this hot salon near my apartment for an appointment. Turns out they can fit me in tonight. Tonight. I have never gone into a hair appointment, let alone one at a new salon, blindly. I am normally the annoying chick who brings pictures of the cut she wants from every angle and asks the stylist to show me where she's cutting before the scissors even so much as graze my scalp so I know just what's being taken off and from where.

Not tonight though. I am going with a general idea of what I want done, asking their opinion, and seeing how it ends up. It's just hair, right?

Stay tuned.

Tales from an interview

2004-09-14T17:29:00.000-04:00

My interview was today. You know, the one for the promotion I was supposed to get. MMMyea, that one. It was two hours long (I don't even remember my original job inerview being that long), included an editing test (because clearly my boss doesn't see me edit on a daily basis), questioning from the co-worker I've so flatteringly named Jabba the Hutt (for her ungainliness and lack of neck) as well as two other members of management who barely spoke a word to me before seeing that I had a master's degree. Swell.

When one saw my publication listing, he said (insert face of one who's just tasted a Warhead for the first time), "What is that?"

"It's a literary journal," I replied. He said he'd never heard of the publication. Yes, buttchunk, that is because you are a technical person, not a literary person. It doesn't make the journal, or my publication in it, any less valid.

I do think my general artsy-ness and pierced tongue probably didn't fare well, though. I'm sorry. I am just not an oxford shirt and Dockers kind of gal. I did, however, wear an outfit from Banana Republic. Doesn't that count for something on the corporate scale of suck-up?

All Hail....my big decision

2004-09-14T08:21:00.000-04:00

Since my whole job situation has been in a state of flux recently, I have spent considerable time evaluating what is really important to me, what it is I really want to do as a career, etc. The bottom line is this job, this company, this whole field is just not it. Nothing about it gets me excited or makes me happy.

Sooooo....... I have decided to apply for a doctoral program. Part of me thinks I am nuts, but this decision feels right. It fits, and it feels like the path I am supposed to take because I am surprisingly calm despite the fact that it means a major move, quitting my job, and lots of work.

I absolutely love school, the academic environment, and all that goes along with it. I am in my element there, and I finally figured out that getting my Ph.D. would allow me a life in academia, which would keep me challenged and fulfilled in ways a traditional 9-to-5er just can't.

I've scheduled my GRE for November 13th, and my prep books are on their way to me in the mail. As for schools, I am looking at Florida State, Georgia State, and ??? (TBD...those are just the two I am sure I am applying to). After that will come the official application process, visiting each school, and then the waiting game to see which one, if any, I get into.

Wish me luck. This is a biggie.

My Friday tale of woe

2004-09-10T10:53:00.000-04:00

I'm home sick again. I can barely speak, and I feel as though I am on the verge of coughing up something I'd rather not discuss.

Anyhoo, because I am a consummate Type A, I felt a compulsion to do laundry in my sickened state. I washed only two small loads: 1 of jeans that I could hang on my drying rack and my new set of white jersey knit sheets to strip and change my bed as soon as the illness goes away.

I just went back to put the sheets in the dryer. The crapass washer ruined my sheets. They are now stained this hideous brownish shade and the flat sheet has a huge brown spot on it. I don't know if the machine had rust in it, bad water, whatever. But they are ruined. So, on top of being really focking sick, I have to trek over to the rental office and request compensation for my nice brand new white-now-brown-sheets.

Calgon, take me away.

The verdict is in

2004-09-09T17:34:00.000-04:00

A bad upper respiratory infection.

Ick. Well, at least it's not bronchitis or strep, which I thought were distinct possibilities. I was sent on my merry way with a Rx for Zithromax, a hearty suggestion that I should not go to work tomorrow, and a feeling that the new doctor's office is actually quite nice. What a change!

So here I am, back home with the boys and hoping that first dose of the Z kicks in soon. I'm going to take my good cough medicine, so no pinot grigio for me tonight. Boohiss. I am going to be making my famous pasta, and I splurged and bought a great sourdough baguette and some stuff to make red pepper-infused dipping oil, so that will be a nice treat. No counting calories for me tonight. I've lost 3 lbs. since last week, but since I am sick and have no real appetite (I've only had a few Goldfish crackers today) I figure a decent Italian dinner will be allrighty.

Off to vacuum the apartment and read a bit till Sweetie gets here.

Home sick

2004-09-09T13:59:00.000-04:00

I'm home sick right now, awaiting my doctor's appointment to see what mysterious ailment has decided to grace me with its presence. Oh, and I am supposed to be hosting a dinner party tonight. Clearly THAT's a good idea when I can barely even speak due to the oh-so-chic cough that I've developed. Stay tuned for details of my latest medical crisis.

Tonight

2004-09-08T19:28:00.000-04:00

My sweetie is in the shower, and I am making dinner (pizza).

I heard back from my academic adviser about a possible doctoral program and, although my mom thinks it is a bad idea because I might burn out, I am tempted to go for it.

Here's the thing. I freaking love school. I love reading and writing. Without it, my brain feels like it is going to wither and die, and I despise that feeling of emptiness. The feeling of completion when I have just made words appear on a page that I am satisfied with is almost incomparable, and I miss that.

So, despite all my fears about finding a new job and whatnot, I am seriously considering a doctoral program. Thank you, Classy, for the inspiration last night. You're the best, bebe!!!!!!!

Out of sorts

2004-09-07T13:47:00.000-04:00

I have several good things in my life to feel extremely happy about, but right now all I want to do is complain.

First, I am under the weather today. Second, certain things this weekend bothered me, and I am working on that. Although, considering I clearly don't know how to approach big issues, that's going to be a tough one. Third, I am trying to decide whether to:

a) look for a new job around here
b) say "forget it" and look for a new job back home and/or elsewhere
c) go back to school again

Big difference there, huh? As always there are pros and cons with all of them. For some reason I can't seem to get my head together enough to decide what is right for me.

Really, I wish I could figure out what I need and stick with it. Actually, I kind of know what I need, and I don't think I can have it. The thought is so painful that I can't even let myself think about it most times. So, instead, I make myself too busy to have time to think about it. It's gotten to the point that I don't even know HOW to stay home and do nothing anymore because I am so wound up all the time. I'm trying to relearn how to do that this week. That is my goal.

Blonde Suga's Loves and Laments

Long time no blog

Baby, it's cold outside

Secrets

home again

I'm broke

Hello from a different place

Back from vacay

Weirdest. Dream. Ever.

Share and share alike

The job is....

Interesting

Holy Sangiovese, Batman

Good times, good times

It's official

Weird things bugging me today

Being jobless sucks

I've made a decision

Still on the lookout

Long time no update

My first day

Hair Drama Part Deux

Hair drama

Thoughts on my last day

Well that sucked.

Vin-di-ca-tion time, come on!

It's official

Mini work vent

Attack of the stomach virus

Things that annoy me about the ungainly coworker

*cough*~hack~*cough*~hack

The official plan

And the countdown begins

I got it.

17 days till Christmas

Thanksgiving weekend....

Interesting evening

I don't understand

Vodka and cranberry juice

A special song

Updates all around

Friday morning vent

I swear men have a sixth sense

Confessions of a fruit loop

Sick, tired, and frustrated

When it rains, it pours.

It's the weekend, boyyyeeeee

In the ghetttooooooooooo

An appropriate tune...

The end is near!

Can you stand another rant?

Another weekend bites the dust

No big shocker

The time is approaching.

I'm beyond frustrated

The promotion that never was

No hair drama for me

Off with my hair!

Tales from an interview

All Hail....my big decision

My Friday tale of woe

The verdict is in

Home sick

Tonight

Out of sorts

cough~hack~cough~hack